March 2021 has been a meager month of transformation for me. I lost someone of which I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Someone I would have fought tooth and nail for. As well as her children. I made a commitment for the long haul. That’s how I operate. Yet it was all for naught, because of the allure of the ‘EASY’ button.
The plethora of articles have been about me processing a ton of baggage that I haven’t even fully disclosed to my current therapist. There is catharsis in expelling the bottled energy, collected for so many years. The energy that if not dispensed, is the very shit that will eat me alive further. The breakup was the catalyst, nothing more, nothing less.
I do not pine for the person anymore. My back has been turned. If you parsed through my bridge burning article, you might gather that if I am betrayed in any way, shape, or form, that bridge burns. I’ve been betrayed by people before. I have had to learn the long, hard, cold, yet cruel way, to merely turn my back and never pursue that avenue ever again.
My piloerection raises as efficiently as a dog, cat, or any other mammal that employs its signal. My sympathetic nervous system looks for any possible threats to my safety. Certain personality quirks can set me off. This is not to be taken as I am somehow super-human. I vehemently deny that assertion, if one were to propose it.
Since the figurative lightbulb turned on, the catalyst was all that was needed to further develop one of my talents. Writing has been one of the few things that people compliment me about. I help make the world make more sense to some people. I employ sarcasm, I turn tables, and I dig up arbitrary data points to help upend perceptions.
Since I started actively ‘processing,’ my WordPress account tells me I have hobbled together around 26k words, with an average of 2.2k words per post. This signifies something. This articulates, when I am in ‘the zone’ that I can actually push myself to create.
My purpose in sharing of my own experiences and battles is to, preferably, but not necessarily, advocate and uplift people also suffering in their own ways. I’ve been mentored and I mentor some people, when I am not ‘down in the dumps.’ I can only care for so few people otherwise I spread myself too thin. Many of us spread ourselves far too thin. We forget to fill our reserves.
This post is going to be a short one to give some further understanding that this would have come out at some time. The catalyst, the spark, was lit by another injustice experienced by the hands of a flawed person. We are all flawed, and as soon as we accept the truth, the easier we can connect with people. There are people who use connections to further their agendas in life. My hope is to cast aspersions on that, OR to call out that behavior if someone, in my audience, is being the dumbshit.
I will always recommend that you be honest with yourself, so that you can be honest with others. Own your own fuck-ups, try to do the right thing that benefits the greatest amount of people, and never listen to anyone who would lead you astray. Understand what you stand for, commit to those that mean something to you, and put in reciprocal effort in every one of those important relationships.
The adage of: Life is too short. That’s for those dreamers who have exceptionally long bucket lists. The folks who think they can conquer the wild lion inside them. For some of us really struggling, life can’t be short enough. How do we live amongst lofty dreamers? How do the lofty dreamers live amidst us scarred and tattered individuals, seeking our own community? Life is great, life is grand, life is shit, live is bland.
I would wish everyone could go through a transformation in a similar vein. What I am referring to is using the pain, using the catalyst to launch you forward. Calling it a learning lesson and continue to progress yourself through the pain. Just like people who require physical therapy/rehab. The pain is real, its present, and goddamn, does it hurt. Once you get over the hump, you will look past that pain, and see victory staring you in the face. We all have to suffer, we all need to struggle, in order to identify with another person.
Therein lies the connection to another human. Do not take it for granted. Do not take advantage of it. Appreciate that connection, give a shit, and nurture those relationships. Fight for them, because a deep connection with another human being, sure offers more than all of the superficiality of the world. If you treat another person like a pet, you half-assed picked up for someone else, whom you didn’t vet well, the pet will run away. Rely on your hackles, rely on your eyes to observe behaviors you don’t believe in. If you witness that in another human being, be assured, that behavior will betray your heart, in short order.
As always, I welcome any constructive criticism, or complementary theories, analogies, anecdotes. I would love to hear if you find these edicts of challenge useful or utter horseshit. Similar to the 90’s when the catchphrase, ‘Be Kind, Rewind’ was hailed as marketing genius. I need to come up with one that invites you to either subscribe, via WordPress or via email, like posts, or even comment on posts. The immediate feedback is useful for anyone. Thank you very much for reading through all of this drivel. Be well, stay safe, AND stay sane!