The Price of Being Self-Aware

Absolutely no one likes overpaying for anything. Buyer’s remorse quickly descends upon someone after they purchased something and find out the same product was offered for far less elsewhere. Being self-aware costs more than an arm and a leg. It can also be soul-crushing. This is one attribute you cannot shop around for lower prices. The price is steep. 

What does self-awareness look like to anyone? It can look like a multitude of things. You can question yourself. Question, why am I doing what I am doing? Is what I am doing now going to negatively impact others later? Who am I to those that matter? How can I improve? 

Those that are self-aware constantly fire on all or most of their available cylinders, yes, an automotive analogy. They are always looking for possible, perceived, and actual threats to their future. If any of those raise hackles, then it suggests a re-calibration to mitigate the impending danger. Scanning the landscape for anything viewed as a hurdle, is common.  

Self-aware people are not those stuck in their present. They will focus on their past, the past of other people from their life, and any other outlier examples. Reflecting on the past provides the luxury of hindsight being 20/20 (vision). Situations that arose from the past can be the perfect fodder to replay into numerous derivatives to see completely different outcomes. Thinking strategically like this, supports a stronger future.  

Something that can be attributed as one of the Achilles Heel for the self-aware is the constant overthinking, over-analyzing of life. Being stuck in the future means one heeds the behavior of today. Constant thoughts materialize out of nowhere and everywhere simultaneously. Trying to make sense of everything, regardless how erratic the world is around them. 

Being self-aware in a relationship means that one tactically thinks ahead. Conversations with a romantic partner are not topical. Jokes may abound, but there is some serious planning. The self-aware will always be scheming, not in the bad way, such as a narcissist, though they may intersect with that lot of individuals.  

In my most recent deceased relationship, I planned out many technology purchase needs, in the spirit of helping to build a home. I work with technology as my primary bread winning career. That is how I bring home the bacon, right (Sorry Jews and Muslims – horrible example – if I had said beef, I would have had to address the Hindus, ughhhh, I just can’t win at losing here)? What I recollect the most is if I perceived a problem, even if just something missing, I would attend to the perceived need. I am a culinary hobbyist. A boy can love his toys. So plenty of necessary additions were made to the paramour’s kitchen for the benefit of both. 

Over the duration of my last relationship, again, in the spirit of building a home, I helped amass those things missing. I gave of myself. Apparently one of my love languages is giving gifts. I built and built and built. I gave of myself, probably to the detriment to myself, in the long run. While some people may view this as some sort of ‘sugardaddy-dom,’ I gave it so much thought, that was not what I was about. Being a sugar-fill-in-the-blank means, you have expendable income you can afford to just blow whenever for the temporary embetterment of someone you want or will need favors from.  

Once the sudden dismissal was rendered, I had to contemplate what was my role in it. Did I buy all of that stuff to help distract from other character flaws? Was I of sound mind? Why did I bend over backwards, for the ultimate safety, ultimate comfort, and the acceptance that life was ok? Here I go, exposing my self-awareness. Questioning my contributions to the demise of the relationship that remains nebulous. 

The point of this, is that it can drive one mad. It is unsettling to the person who is self-aware to have shit dissipate without so much as an understandable explanation. You strive to see how this fits into the big picture planning. It is understood that one misstep can lead to the falling of a house of cards. It is understood that avoiding the misstep could also lead to the falling of a different house of cards. Instability is not the friend of those that suffer from self-awareness.  It would be so much easier if we could get out of our heads.  

There have been many times I have pined for being ignorant and blissful. If that were the case, it is possible I would be eating rat poison as a snack. I am not suggesting people who lack the intellectual bandwidth would do such things, but with how odd humanity is, one cannot rule it out. We needn’t look too far on the internet for healthy reminders of that – Darwin Awards jog any memories? 

Being aware of yourself and everything that affects you, is its own torture. Having the audacity to investigate your feelings isn’t for the weak-minded nor the weak-willed individuals. It might be one of those times one would like to numb themselves from the deep dive about to take place. I have a mantra that boils down to: in order to be honest with others, you, first, need to be honest with yourself. If you lie to yourself, you will, without fail, lie to others.  

Lies to assuage feelings, emotions, and/or pain is tragic. Those who fail to be upfront with themselves, will believe the lies in their mind. Their rumination is equally as bad as when someone is depressed and on repeat mode of a negative vortex of thoughts. The rumination about lying merely finds reasons to support the claim, grasping at very limited logic to substantiate their argument for omitting or actively lying about something that needs to be addressed.  

A lie to one who is aware of their self, is a complete bridge demolition job. If the lie was offered in earnest to a self-aware person, not only do they (the self-aware) question their own ethics, morality, and sanity, but that investigation will undoubtedly turn towards the one expressing the lie. There is little empathy for these acts, unless there is a suspicion of fear. If the self-aware entity has run through the calculations and detects some errant behavior on their part, they can afford a degree of understanding to the other party 

While this post seems to have deviated from self-aware attributes, into the devastation of lies, it all plays into how costly it is to hold your standards high. A self-aware person will think long and hard before uttering falsehoods, for a multitude of reasons. See, forward thinking comes to the rescue for those aligned with self-aware people in their lives. This probably explains my propensity to avoid loose associations with people. I garner enough information on how they talk, either brazenly, or sheepishly, to determine how much they are liable to offend truth.  

Being self-aware is offensive to those that shirk their own accountability. A self-aware person is more disciplined in enacting useful decisions based on information present. The obstinate defense of awareness is the battlefield of choice. Scanning the landscape for threats or allies can be gleaned here. A perpetual dive in understanding oneself helps the self-aware fathom outside entities quickly. Relying on past experiences helps dictate the direction in present moment problems.  

The price is steep. The price can be viewed in the fallout of friends, business relationships, marriages, or the litany of other close relationships. A self-aware person is consumed with thoughts and providing the correct information at the time requested. Sometimes they can be slow to thought, gathering their wits about them, or they could speak as quickly as their mind conjures up a strategy on the fly. A self-aware person may even hate themselves. Never presume to believe that a self-aware person has their shit together. They WANT to. Let me repeat that: they WANT to, more than anything. I am unsure if you know this, but life is quite dynamic.  

The well thought-out plans can be laid to waste in one simple tragic event. Once a self-aware human gathers their bearings, it is possible for them to transcend the disaster. Again, the current disaster will become a past experience. Once it does, that scenario is now in the annals of their mind. They will cogently categorize it as what it was, listing all the attributes to pull out later. Comparing and contrasting past events to see if they have significance for the present to best outline the future, again is part of the process. Those annals equal mental real estate. Another associated cost for those that retain and manage the library.  

The price is steep. To be flippant of its cost means that person is nowhere near a Jedi Master. The price increases. The worth of the person then also raises. They become a beacon of hope in their small circles, which may radiate out. Generally speaking,deep humility is inherently inside a self-aware person, as they know their precise fitment in the world. This person will see exactly how insignificant they are in the whole scheme of things. You can be sure this is not a feigned attempt at winning favor with you. It ought to be a life lesson to you. The price is steep, are you willing to pay for their contribution, or will you let it waste away? 

As always, I welcome any constructive criticism, or complementary theories, analogies, anecdotes. I would love to hear if you find these edicts of challenge useful or utter horseshit. Similar to the 90’s when the catchphrase, ‘Be Kind, Rewind’ was hailed as marketing genius. I need to come up with one that invites you to either subscribe, via WordPress or via email, like posts, or even comment on posts. The immediate feedback is useful for anyone. Thank you very much for reading through all of this drivel. Be well, stay safe, AND stay sane! 

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